Day of Reflection and a visit to the Endocrinologist - FINALLY!

Wow, it was a busy day!  After Reagan left for school Cole and I went to the gym as we do every day
except Thursday (because I volunteer in Reagan's class).  I had 60 minutes of "quiet" time on the elliptical to think about my day five years ago today.  So after the gym I told Cole we should go to Starbuck's and remember Kendall by getting cake pops!  We've never bought them before so it was a fun treat and a good way to make new, happy memories.

I bought the recyclable butterfly coffee cup and after Cole finished his chocolate pop he asked when we were taking Kendall her pink one.  Sigh. When I told him we couldn't go to Heaven he said that was ok, but told me I couldn't eat it because that would make Kendall sad.  I tried to explain that we don't take our bodies to Heaven, that's we only have a spirit, but I honestly wasn't quite ready for that conversation.  When I started to cry at the thought of losing her, he said, "it's ok mom, she's in Heaven.  You don't need to be sad."

After Starbucks it was time to put Cole on the bus.  The house was desperately quiet and because I'm between contracts I had no work and didn't need to get the kids from school until 1pm (for the endo appointment).  I decided to head to Home Depot to pick up bulbs to plant in memory of Kendall.  The year she died my mom and dad helped me plant 200 Daffodils in our back woods.  Every Spring when they bloom it gives me such a warm feeling to think about her.  Unfortunately a pesky squirrel decided to steal a lot of my bulbs over the last few years so I decided it's time to add more (285 to be exact).

I want to share an interesting reflection with you as I was planting. Bear with me on the long winded build up…As I started digging holes my initial feelings were filled with joy - seeing the packaging and thinking about how beautiful these would look in the Spring. As I dug, the tears started rolling down my cheeks as I wished I didn't have to plant bulbs and wishing Kendall was part of our family here on Earth. I found myself hacking violently at the chunks of clay and the annoying grubs but realized it didn't really make me feel any better. It just fueled my anger. As I would I get another bag of bulbs I would see the flowers and remember that planting bulbs would bring Spring flowers. I felt joy again. And I marveled at how much this roller coaster of feelings reminded me of my journey through grief and healing. Good days. Bad days. Angry days. Sad days. And days that I just feel numb. Then I started thinking about all of my friends who have lost a twin (there are 31 women in my NOVA Multiples Loss Group). Then I found my energy renewed as I felt the need to plant bulbs for all of these angels. Then I looked closer at the package and saw the diagram of the bulb below ground and the flower rising above. Then it dawned on me…these bulbs are like our angels who have been buried and the flowers that will bloom in Spring are like our twin survivors. Beneath every flower is a bulb that is helping it grow and giving it life. Without it, there would be no flower.  For each bulb I planted I spoke the name of one of the angels I know who left this Earth too early. It was amazing how planting these bulbs helped me see the beauty that is to come as long as I am patient enough to wait until Spring.  I look forward to seeing all these flowers when they bloom.  And hopefully they will all make it through the winter!  It's a wonderful analogy that somehow spoke to me today...

After getting two thirds of the bulbs planted I had to get changed to pick up the kids early from school.  We headed East, fought stopped traffic on route 7 and did a U-Turn to take the toll road.  Luckily we were only 5 minutes late which was pretty luck given we sat in stopped traffic in Sterling for 20 minutes.  Our appointment with Dr. Mehra, Endocrinologist, went very well.  We discussed the symptoms Reagan is having, the results of the bone age test (which was normal) and the blood work (which was normal) and she said she isn't overly concerned.  She said her symptoms are considered Premature Adrenarche not Precocious Puberty (not uncommon amongst children with Cerebral Palsy).  Apparently that's a good thing.  Phew! She gave me a list of symptoms that would cause her concern and said unless we see those that we don't need any followup.  We have been waiting to see this doctor for 5 months so we are VERY happy to have this one checked off our list!  

We made it back to Sterling in time for Reagan to go to CCD (religious ed class), Cole to get to Tae Kwon Do, back to pick up Reagan, eat a quick dinner and get her to Tae Kwon Do class and then all home to bed.  We will wrap up our week of appointments with flu shots tomorrow.  Unfortunately Reagan's epilepsy/cerebral palsy requires her to get the shot instead of the mist so I get it too so she doesn't feel left out :-)  Other than two follow-up appointments for me in the next two weeks, we have no more doctor's appointments until the 19th and 21st!  Yahoo - almost like a vacation!  

On a separate note, I promised to start sharing quotes from the kids that make me laugh.  My favorite today was the first thing Cole said when he woke up today.  "Mom, am I still 5?"  Love that kid...